When your mind wants you dead, there’s nothing you will despise more than your fighter spirit. When your world is black and white, death is a frustratingly grey area. You see I don’t want to end my life, I just want to end the pain.
I am petrified of people leaving me, which causes me to alternate between pushing them away to hurry on the inevitable, and worshipping them so as that the highs make up for the lows and I maybe make them leaving just a tiny bit less inevitable.
After I’ve gone batshit my self worth is in negative figures. I’ve just done more to cement the inevitable and I despise myself for it. I am in a state of desperate fear and I am pretty sure everything is now irreparable. So of course I want to be dead.
Except I don’t. I’m not young or that heathy… not my liver anyway. Doctors have banned me from paracetamol and my liver caused dramatic complications in my pregnancy. I can’t just take an overdose half heartedly anymore. To try to end it would almost definitely mean I actually end it now.
And so for the queen of black and white there’s this big fuzzy grey. I don’t want to be dead. But I don’t want to be alive either. I just don’t want to be me, to think and act the way I do. I don’t want to hurt those I love and I certainly don’t want to lose them.
Maybe this grey leads to the ultimate self destructive streak subconsciously… if I lose Daddy I will kill myself. I know people call us borderlines manipulative and I see how that sentence sounds that way. But in my mind it’s a simple fact. He’s all I’ve got. Lose him, I’m alone and lost and hurting in a world that I really don’t know how to cope with. So maybe part of me that is tired of fighting pushes him away so I can stop being a warrior and finally be dead, at peace.
But so long as I don’t manage to fuck things up my warrior spirit will keep me alive. However much my head calls for me to be dead, there’s gonna be that part of me that whispers that this too shall pass and urges me to fight not to kill me but to kill the pain. If only I remembered how to do that without dragging a razor blade across my arm.